I'm Running Out of Fumes
I am so sick and tired of my life. I can't get a single thing to go right. No matter what I do I fail. Nice guys finish last. Why is that? Why is it that the backstabbing asshole gets the money, girls, fame and fantasy life. Why is it that whenever I try and do something simple it turns into a catastrophe.
Let's talk about this month shall we. I come back from Christmas break to be informed that I will not be receiving a raise this year. I'm then told we get no Christmas bonus. That same night I get some good/sad news. My girlfriend Suzanne, who I love and adore, has an interview for a job...in Sacramento. I was so happy that she had the opportunity to get out of out shitty job we both share and she hates LA so I'm happy she can get out of LA. Im sad for selfish reasons, I'm going to miss her. So a week passes and she gets the job. She leaves on the 22nd of January.
I go to work one day to be told that my availability cant be honored anymore and Im going to need my life to be open to my job or else I could lose it. Well, my job sucks, but I need it. So Im opening my availability for them.
My mom called me a few weeks ago. She nonchalantly brings up how my brother is getting surgery on his face. I responded with "What, when did this happen?" She explains she told me about it months ago. Now, I do forget some things but I wouldn't forget my brother having surgery on his face.
My grandmother every Christmas/birthday sends me $3,000. Yup, that's what I said. this year she decided to give me this nice long lecture about how Im not going anywhere in life and I'll never be an actor and I'll never make it in the entertainment industry. Then she sends me a letter that says the exact same thing. Awesome!
My ex-girlfriends birthday was a couple days ago. I got the courage to give her a call and wish her a happy birthday....that didn't go to well either. Got some more lecturing.
Have I mentioned yet that anytime my mom or other grandmother(not the $3,000 one) find out I'm having a tough time they just want me to come home. Seems sweet enough. Only the last time I went home my mom canceled her car insurance and made me chauffeurs her around. She also left me in charge of my grandmother who needs a nurse, that's funny. Last time I checked my mom was a registered nurse. I don't think I would have come home if I knew I would have to clean my grandmothers area and all that.
My goal for January was to go back into extra work. Even though its kind of sucky work. I liked it when I did it. I always felt like I was a part of something pretty big....Well theres a strike so I can't do that I guess.
My camcorder plug got lost recently. Which means, no video blogging.
Final Cut Pro (my editing software) isn't working. I need time to visit my buddy Mike and ask him to take a look at it.
My new house mate is kind of a pain. She just yelled at me for leaving the door unlocked even though I'm sitting right here in front of the door.
I'm also getting pretty sick and tired of people saying I'm not independent. What exactly does that fucking mean? Let me just say that within the last 7 months I have held in and dealt with so much shit on my own. When I usually had a problem I did my very best to solve it myself. Not even Suzanne knew about a lot of the stuff that was going on with me. This was my way of trying to be stronger and trying to take care of myself. That might be why I've disappeared from some of your lives for so long. I didn't want to call you and just vent. That's also why I haven't blogged in so long. I really didn't want to use this blog to vent anymore...well, I can't fight it. I guess this is why I have a blog, for things like this.
With all honesty people, I'm scared. I'm not afraid to be a lone. But I'm afraid of life itself. I'm tired all the time. Sometimes Im too scared to get up and I just want to lay in bed. I'm scared that life is going to hit me with another punch. I used to feel like I had it all figured out. I guess I don't. I'm writing this on my blog now in hopes I get out everything I have built up inside me. I don't want my last few days with Suzanne to be sad ones. So hopefully writing this will make me feel more free. We'll see.
In closing I would just like to say that I have been a very weak person this past week and Suzanne has been there for me every step of the way. She's seen my hurting and has done nothing but been supportive for me. She's a great person whom I am very happy to be with.
I do love her a lot. I have no idea what part she'll play in my life in the long run. All I know is that right now we are good and I am very happy. So, Suzanne, Thank you and I will miss you a lot.
There
This is what a blog is for - if you have something to say, say it :)
There's a lot of stuff in this post - but I think... I dunno', it's just important to keep trying. I guess that's my two cents, there are no easy answers... nothing worth doing comes easy...
Maybe none of that helps :P
So... *hug*
Keep your chin up.
hey.
stay strong if you need to talk you know where to find me.
chhean
You are going through some serious shit. I applaud you for being real about it and not trying to sidestep your feelings or deny what's happening. Unfortunately that happens a lot these days and it's much harder to resolve things and move on if you don't face facts.
I know we aren't close friends but we've hung out a couple of times and I know you are a very like-able/smart guy. You are too positive of a person to be thinking so negatively! I know you will get out of this rut soon, but it won't happen until you are ready. When you are -- I'll be looking forward to reading your blog and hearing about your new job, new girlfriend(s), and about you just being happy.
The good guys do prevail in the end, mate. Onward!
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i agree with the comment above this one, good guys do prevail in the end, it sometimes just takes a little bit. Life is very cyclical, so while things may be lookin down now, soon things will start to pick up for you and get better. I started blogging just over a year ago, and things were going pretty bad for me then, but i was patient and rode the wave, and now things are going really well for me, just like I'm sure they'll get that way for you soon. So although its easier said then done, try not to hang your head and look for the positive in whatever you do, it really does help. We're all here for ya buddy.
Hang in there. Life definately has a way of kicking you in the ass when you're already down, but as the cheesiest line ever goes - What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And don't worry about venting on your blog, that's why we all have one. I'm sure everybody that reads mine thinks I'm bi-polar or something!
(By the way, this is Pearl.)
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I used to feel scared and depressed when I first moved out to LA and I was all alone. I guess only time made things easier but every now and then I fall into a funk. I hope things get much better for you in 2008, buddy.
Hmm... so I was the first one to leave a comment, and when I did, I clicked the little box below that emailed me every time someone left a new one, just cause I always do that.
I came on here to respond to some of them and noticed that two were gone... and I know which ones they were, but I don't see why you'd delete them.
Neither one said anything overly hurtful or over-the-line, I just wouldn't recommend deleting comments that don't kiss-your-ass, so to speak, it's not a healthy habit to form on a blog.
Some people leave "hugs" and "get better soon", and some people's view point is to "suck it the fuck up, and be thankful for what you have". Being public about this stuff is bound to attract all kinds of comments.
In my experience - deleting any comments that are short of threats or spam is viewed negatively.
I guess Mike has a point. I personally didn't feel like leaving up comments that were by an EX who I felt didn't get what I was saying and thought it was an attack on her. So, Mike, Thank you for both comments. I have never deleted negative comments before, it's just there are personal things left in those comments that were off topic to the point I was making.
So, to everyone. Here are those comments again. The first one was by an annonymous and the second by my Ex Mollye.
You need to sack up.
Seriously dude. The only thing wrong with you is your perspective and how you approach life.
If you're having a problem with so many areas of your life, the problem isn't them, it's you.
Who are you? What do YOU want? A lot of people like you and care about you, but you're too caught up in your own twisted worldview to see that.
Just breathe, kiss your GF goodbye, and start rebuilding.
OK, here's the deal Justin. And I hope you keep this comment up. I don't read your blog normally, but when you write freaked out stuff like this, I get emails.
Firstly, I must lightly defend myself for "lecturing" you. The business of our former relationship is still not over. Without going into the details and with a light example...almost EIGHT months later, I still receive your mail. (So readers, you get the picture.) I hope you realize how frustrating it is to still have to remind you of things that were supposed to be done by August 1st? I hate it. Other than the deals we have worked out on paper, all the other shit should be taken care of by now. I love you, GROW UP...and finish up!
Secondly, to mirror the last sentence, you are almost 29 and it’s time to take a moment and figure yourself out. Contrary to what you believe I may think, I DO want you to succeed and I DO want you to find happiness. I hope you value my opinion about what I am going to say. It’s time to grow up and get your shit together. If you need mental help, get it (with or without insurance there are options.) Get your life organized. Fulfill your promises and obligations. Find a job that is worthy of you. Enjoy anything.
For years I was your emotional crutch. And though not without my flaws, I kept both of our lives together. You came to resent me for that. I took care of you too well when you kept telling yourself that you didn’t want to be taken care of. Resentment ensued and snowballed. Plainly that’s what happened. I am happy to be without you.
However, you are a better man than the one you have taken the role of. You have more integrity and potential than this thing you have become over the past year. This thing is not you. And though you may hate it, I know you better than anyone else in the world. I expect more out of you in life than this unmotivated, mundane existence you are carving out for yourself.
Please, for someone who knows you and loved you for many years, take care of yourself for once. Tough love is only given where there is love. If you need help, my number’s one digit down from yours.
Love- Your EX – girlfriend, Mollye
I deleted the last comment because it was one I wrote and just didn't like it. I wrote a new blog referring to some of these comments. Please read.
Thank you everyone.
wow!...when someone is down, especially a friend, the last effin thing they need to hear is how fucked -up their lives are, THEY ALREADY KNOW THAT...what they DO NEED to hear is that they have friends that they can turn to in these times. I can totally understand where you, Justin, are coming from. Last year, from October till late December, I was going through some personal/family issues and I was severely bummed-out. I am now getting my life back to a good and positive place. I can say to you to just be positive and keep good thoughts in your heart...and know that you do have a friend in me.
hey what up G...i want to say that i have homie luv for you and you are the toughest guy i know... we all come to that point in our lives where it just gets frustrating and everything seems like its caving in...but i know you, it wont be long before you come up...you'll be that somebody and fuck them haters! brush em off homeboy, you dont need to take in their bullshit...
*hugs
Unsupportive commentors don't help. And yeah, if you feel your life sucks hearing it from some other clueless person doesn't help, they're not in your head. I did what you did for months, I got up, went through the motions and eventually I started to feel better.It takes him. But you're not whallowing, you get up. You're giving it the best you can with your new girlfriend, who I hope treats you great. You are trying, and that is always a start. Eventually it won't be so hard to try. Keep going, and keep trying. You'll figure it out one day I know you will. xx
Well I guess this explains where you've been. Yes, you have been going through a lot of crap. And you wonder about having life all figured out. Well, when you (or whomever) gets it figured out. I would like to know what it is as well. Life, like my monthly credit card bill, scares the SHIT out of me. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow.
Suzanne sounds like a wonderful young lady. Ever think of leaving LA as well and starting over....let's say in Sacramento? I don't know if that discussion has come about yet. But, hang in there Jason. You have a lot of life ahead of you. No need to hang it up yet and call it a day. Hell, I'm going to be 47 and I STILL don't know what I want to be when and IF I ever grow up.
;o)