J. Colbert
Sir thank you for taking the time to sit with me.
(I reached my hand to shake his but recieved no reaction)

Stuart
.........

J.Colbert
Sir?
(I'm staring right into his face which is covered in yellow Cheeto stains. He's also wearing sunglasses. I can only assume he's asleep under there)

Stuart
......

J.Colbert
Are you asleep under those sunglasses?
(That's when I heard the snoring, to get this interview moving I decided to think of something drasctic to yell)

J.Colbert
Your fathers banning all forms of alcohol in heavan.

Stuart
What?

J.Colbert
What?

Stuart
What?...Who are you?

J.Colbert
(I reach my hand out yet again)
Hi I'm Justin Colbert you let me in about 10 minutes ago,
then sat on the couch and passed out

Stuart
Oh....(he reaches his hand to greet his) I'm Stuart

J.Colbert
I know. May I take this time to ask you some questions?

Stuart
Sure, but why are you here?

J.Colbert
To ask you a couple questions...I thought I just said....forget it.

Stuart
Want some Cheetos? I might even have a sandwich lying around from
the other day

J.Colbet
No I'm good

Stuart
How bout a beer?

J.Colbert
No I'm good I think I'll just start

Stuart
Well I'm going to get a beer

J.Colbert
Great. I'll wait

( he returned 20 minutes later and sat back down)

J. Colbert
That took a little while

Stuart
Well I was out of beer so I went to the store

J.Colbert
you left?

Stuart
Yeah I was out of beer....I thought I just said that.

J.Colbert
Let's begin

Stuart
Can I go push one out?

J.Colbert
Push one what?....Oh wait, forget it. No Just sit there please

Stuart
Fine

J.Colbert
When were you born?

Stuart
About 20 years before the Moses incident

J.Colbert
So you were King of the Jews back when Moses parted the red sea?

Stuart
That is correct

J.Colbert
Were you in charge of the plagues?

Stuart
I was, funny story. I asked my Dad's advice way back when and he
sad put on some plays , you know to see if it would bring people together.Make them laugh. Well the cell phone service back then sucked. Cell phones back then weren't like cell phones today. Back then we used burning bushes to talk to each other. What I thought he said was put on some plagues and well. A lot of children died that night

J.Colbert
You used burnign bushes? Couldn't he just talk to you through you mind or something

Stuart
We're not X-Men Mr Colbert


J.Colbert
Christ is the greek translation of the hebrew word Messiah
Should your last name actually be Christ?

Stuart
Oh no, hold on one ( he throws up all over himself)

J.Colbert
Are you alright?

Stuart
Yeah I think so, Yeah I'm ok

J.Colbert
You puked everywhere. It's all over yourself. Do you want to
go change?

Stuart
Nah I'm good. this happens a lot when I'm drinking

J.Colbert
Ok, in that case would you answer my last question

Stuart
I was the first messiah

J.Colbert
Yes but you're not anymore

Stuart
Yes but I was

J.Colbert
Are you still considered Lord?

Stuart
On occasion, When Jesus or Pops needs time off or has to
maybe go create a new earth, one not to be ashamed of, I'm
in charge

J.Colbert
So do your relatives all live in heavan

Stuart
Yup. They Got a wonderful place up there. They have a 130 inchDLP TV.
It's amazing. All the food you want to eat and get this, you can imagine whatever size pool you want and it will appear. Their place is great

J.Colbert
Why do you live in Minnestota?

Stuart
Well..

J.Colbert
That seems like hell all on it's own

Stuart
I uh, I don't really know

J.Colbert
And this apartment is kind of small

Stuart
Yeah I guess it is

J.Colbert
and shitty.

Stuart
Are you done?

J.Colbert
Almost. This place smells like feet.

Stuart
Done?

J.Colbert
Yup

Stuart
Next question please

J.Colbert
Are the gays responsible for the uprise of Satan?

Stuart
No

J.Colbert
How bout the Jews?

Stuart
I am a Jew?

J.Colbert
Oh, Are you responsible for the uprise of...

Stuart
No!!!

J.Colbert
Why did Jesus convert to Christianity?

Stuart
He's still technically Jewish

J.Colbert
I find that interesting...wait what's that smell?
It doesn't smell like puke anymore? It smells worse
(Stuart starts smiling)
Was that you?

Stuart
Maybe it was you?

J.Colbert
Don't be Stupid. What did you eat?. You know what forget it
Last question. Rumour has it your responsible for all the bad days we
the human race receive. Is this true and why?

Stuart
I don't think so

J.Colbert
I heard from the grapevine that last time you were in
charge you spent the day ina nudey booth paying to watch
woman take their clothes off for a quarter

Stuart
Come on if I'm in charge I don't need money. I just command them to
take their clothes off

J.Colbert
I heard that on November 2nd 2004 you were in charge that day

Stuart
The day of the elections, yup I was

J.Colbert
Thank you for everything you did that day

Stuart
What?

J.Colbert
And thank you for taking the time away from your couch to talk with me

Stuart
Your welcome

J.Colbert
Feel free to go push one out