"My Interview With The Justin" by Justin Colbert
Hello Folks. So "The Justin" may be going camping, but I'm not. I'm staying right here. No invites. No nothing. Not even a goodbye. I guess since he's leaving I can write whatever I want about him. Like Awww boo hoo he needs to see his family. What a pussy!!! The sad thing is that for the past few months now I've received countless emails asking me "what do I think about" The Justin". Frankly I have no idea, and I don't care. Because he didn't take me camping. I have no idea who he is and what he stands for. I went out of my way to sit down with this chauvinistic, racist, American hating pig to ask him some questions so I may figure out, Do I love him or not? Be warned you're about to enter the no spin zone, my interview with "The Justin begins, as soon as you start reading.
J. Colbert
Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me
The Justin
No Problem
J. Colbert
Where are you from?
The Justin
Massachusetts
J.Colbert
What was that like?
The Justin
It snowed alot. Fall was beautiful. High School was...
J.Colbert
You got beat up alot?
The Justin
No not at all
J.Colbert
I find that hard to believe
The Justin
Why?
J.Colbert
What sports did you play?
The Justin
I didn't play sports I...
J. Colbert
Then you were beat up a alot.
The Justin
No!!! I took music and dance which is sort of a sport...
J.Colbert
I didn't know you were gay
Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me
The Justin
No Problem
J. Colbert
Where are you from?
The Justin
Massachusetts
J.Colbert
What was that like?
The Justin
It snowed alot. Fall was beautiful. High School was...
J.Colbert
You got beat up alot?
The Justin
No not at all
J.Colbert
I find that hard to believe
The Justin
Why?
J.Colbert
What sports did you play?
The Justin
I didn't play sports I...
J. Colbert
Then you were beat up a alot.
The Justin
No!!! I took music and dance which is sort of a sport...
J.Colbert
I didn't know you were gay
The Justin
No I'm not gay
J.Colbert
It's nothing to be ashamed of
The Justin
I'm not ashamed to be gay I'm just not ...
J.Colbert
...out of the closet?
The Justin
No!!! Look just because I took music doesn't mean...
J.Colbert
...and dance
The Justin
Yes and dance doesn't mean I'm gay
J.Colbert
Calm down Elton John. It's OK. We'll move on.
The Justin
What?
J.Colbert
Why are you in LA?
The Justin
I'm here because my girlfriend is...
J.Colbert
Boyfriend.
The Justin
No, my girlfriend...
J.Colbert
Whatever
The Justin
...wanted to become and actress and I have hopes to someday write and sell a good script.
J. Colbert
How many people have you slept with?
The Justin
Excuse me?
J.Colbert
First the woman, in fact only the woman I don't want to know about the men
The Justin
I don't want to answer that
J.Colbert
Fine!!! I was afraid of this, tell me how many men
The Justin
None, can we move on?
J.Colbert
Why do you hate black people?
The Justin
I hate black people?
J.Colbert
I know , why?
The Justin
I uh, don't hate them. Did you research me at all?
J.Colbert
I think what I'm currently doing is researching you am I right? I mean this is how you research someone?
The Justin
So you didn't learn anything about me before this interview
J.Colbert
Why would I do that if I was going to interview you? That doesn't make sense. Interviewing is learning!!!
The Justin
Who told you I don't like black people?
J.Colbert
Ah so you don't like them?
The Justin
Forget it, that's not what I meant.
J.Colbert
Why did you start a blog?
The Justin
Oh good, a real question. Well I started it to help me vent. My goal now is to hopefully tell stories people might like and talk about.
J. Colbert
What does BLOG mean?
The Justin
I don't really have the definition
J. Colbert
It means Be On Line Googling.
The Justin
It doesn't mean that.
J. Colbert
Why would you say that?
The Justin
Is there anyone else here I can talk to?
J.Colbert
Grand Wizard when is your next Klan Meeting?
The Justin
What?
J. Colbert
Are you stressed?
The Justin
A little.
J.Colbert
Then my job is here is done. Justin thank you for taking the time and sitting with me.
No I'm not gay
J.Colbert
It's nothing to be ashamed of
The Justin
I'm not ashamed to be gay I'm just not ...
J.Colbert
...out of the closet?
The Justin
No!!! Look just because I took music doesn't mean...
J.Colbert
...and dance
The Justin
Yes and dance doesn't mean I'm gay
J.Colbert
Calm down Elton John. It's OK. We'll move on.
The Justin
What?
J.Colbert
Why are you in LA?
The Justin
I'm here because my girlfriend is...
J.Colbert
Boyfriend.
The Justin
No, my girlfriend...
J.Colbert
Whatever
The Justin
...wanted to become and actress and I have hopes to someday write and sell a good script.
J. Colbert
How many people have you slept with?
The Justin
Excuse me?
J.Colbert
First the woman, in fact only the woman I don't want to know about the men
The Justin
I don't want to answer that
J.Colbert
Fine!!! I was afraid of this, tell me how many men
The Justin
None, can we move on?
J.Colbert
Why do you hate black people?
The Justin
I hate black people?
J.Colbert
I know , why?
The Justin
I uh, don't hate them. Did you research me at all?
J.Colbert
I think what I'm currently doing is researching you am I right? I mean this is how you research someone?
The Justin
So you didn't learn anything about me before this interview
J.Colbert
Why would I do that if I was going to interview you? That doesn't make sense. Interviewing is learning!!!
The Justin
Who told you I don't like black people?
J.Colbert
Ah so you don't like them?
The Justin
Forget it, that's not what I meant.
J.Colbert
Why did you start a blog?
The Justin
Oh good, a real question. Well I started it to help me vent. My goal now is to hopefully tell stories people might like and talk about.
J. Colbert
What does BLOG mean?
The Justin
I don't really have the definition
J. Colbert
It means Be On Line Googling.
The Justin
It doesn't mean that.
J. Colbert
Why would you say that?
The Justin
Is there anyone else here I can talk to?
J.Colbert
Grand Wizard when is your next Klan Meeting?
The Justin
What?
J. Colbert
Are you stressed?
The Justin
A little.
J.Colbert
Then my job is here is done. Justin thank you for taking the time and sitting with me.
What did we find out? Justin hates blacks, gays and his country. Frankly he's not a person I'd like to be affiliated with and since he's not here, I have no trouble saying I don't like him. He's loud, obnoxious and he constantly talks about masturbation and sex. Do you really want a friend like that?
There
I DO! I DO! i do really want a friend like that! :)
S O M E P E O P L E
D O N O T L I K E
C E L E B R I T I E S .
BY MICHAEL IAN BLACK
- - - -
Some people just don't like me. I know this is hard to believe, especially when you consider the following:
I am a celebrity (very famous).
I give sixty percent of my income to "Jerry's Kids."
I hardly ever kick my dog.
Two of these things are true, and shouldn't that be enough to ensure me a large measure of goodwill from my fellow man? After all, I harbor no ill will towards anybody (except for that motherfucker Paul Newman - he knows why).
This is why it was so surprising for me to learn that there are people out there, people I have never even met, who do not like me.
I first became aware of this after appearing on the VH1 television program, I Love the 70's. You may have seen this show. According to the VH1 press release, it's a "fun-filled ride through the music, movies, TV shows, products, fashions, fads, trends and major events that defined pop culture each year of the decade." Whatever. They paid me two grand.
For people who feel the need to share their thoughts about television shows with complete strangers, VH1 maintains an internet message board. It was while perusing these boards that I first encountered several dispiriting posts under topics like, "Michael Ian Black sucks," "Michael Ian Black - DIE!," and perhaps most painful of all, "Michael Ian Black is not that cute."
Needless to say, I was blown away. I mean, look at me. I'm really cute.
My initial shock soon turned to numbness, followed by denial, anger, depression, a brief moment of total euphoria, and then back to depression.
I have decided to share some of those messages here in an effort to confront the final stage in my grieving process, acceptance. Not to sound egotistical, but it is my hope that by accepting and honoring the writers' feelings, I will not only heal myself, but will also literally heal the world.
- - - -
From keithpartridge:
"[Michael Ian Black is]… the most arrogant, self-absorbed, uninteresting, pretentious, cynical human being with no talent that VH1 ever hired to talk about something they have no knowledge about whatsoever…"
(The grammar might be a touch clunky, Keith, but your message rings loud and clear. I honor your feelings. Well said.)
- - - -
From Maddmaxx14:
"What does this snotnosed little **** think he knows about the '70s"
(The asterisks are Maddmaxx14's, not mine. I don't know what they stood for, but I think it was probably "faggot." Thanks for having the class not to say it, Madd.)
- - - -
From Hollandscomet:
"how long after his lobottomy did they tape his segments, anyway?!? This guy has all the personality of a doorstop!"
(Not to quibble, but there are some really whimsical doorstops on the market. Check out avalongarden.com for the "green rabbit" and "butch" doorstops; they've got personality in spades. Your point, however, is taken.)
- - - -
From Born2Soon:
"MIB was crass enough to say that Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes should have been on Roots. Why? He didn't say why."
(The reason I thought Arnold should play Kunta Kinte is so he could say, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Master?" which I thought would be cute. Sorry about the confusion. I should have made this clearer.)
- - - -
Another from Born2Soon:
"MIB looks like he's had botox on his forehead. His forehead never moves, even when he moves his eyebrows or smiles, which is rarely… He most likely had it done due to VANITY. That's the usual reason."
(It's true. I have had some work done, specifically in the forehead region. Vanity, however, wasn't the reason. It was because I was horribly burned in a fire.)
- - - -
From Penlane 40:
"I was fast forwarding through his comments after he said Benji and his girlfriend didn't do it doggy style… what an idiot!"
(I did indeed feel like an idiot after speaking to a number of veterinarians and learning that the only way Benji and his girlfriend could possibly have "done it" was doggy style. Mea culpa.)
- - - -
There are, of course, more. Hundreds more. To those people, and to the thousands more who did not have the courage to write, I want to say this: I am really, really, really, really, really sorry. There aren't enough "really's" to convey how sorry I am. Further, know this: I have learned from this experience, and I have changed.
I only hope these same people will accept and support me on my next television project, Albert Schweitzer Can Suck Me, in which I use my winning sense of humor to rip the famed humanitarian a new asshole.
Ohh... I laughed out loud several times... good stuff.
thanks justin I really needed something to make me smile today. good blog buddy.