My grandfather was a kind generous man. Unlike me, he was quiet and didn't find everything funny like I do. Whenever he found something funny his laughter would light up the room. He was always there for me whenever I needed him. One time I needed a music book so I could rehearse a song at school. I left it at my house. He actually drove 3 towns from his house to to my school to bring me that book. it wasn't until he died that i realized that he was the rock that held my family together. He took his last breath on October 7, 1997 at 12:50 pm. I will forever remember that moment like it was yesterday.

The last thing he ever spoke was to me. Everyone left me alone with him. He was gasping for breath all day. He didn't say a word to anyone. He couldn't. I was talking to him, I can't remember at all what about. I tried asking questions just to see if anything happened and nothing did. I don't know what made me say this, it's seems almost wrong, but I said "this sucks", and turned to me and said "yes". Then he went back into his breathing trance and died shortly after. I miss him.

I'm writing this now because I'm torn. Last year a took a vacation back home. Massachusetts to be precise. As much as I loved seeing my family they never visit me. I always go to them. Most of my vacations are spent visiting everyone and trying to give attention to everyone because it may be another year before I see them again. This year i decided to take a vacation at home. my goals were to relax, write and relax. Put myself back together because I'm afraid I've been letting my job get to me and I've been bringing some stress home (read my last post).Plus my job is full of Gossip and it would be nice to get away from school, I mean my job for a bit.

Yesterday at work I called my mom. I had a short talk and said I needed to go, I didn't want to be late from break. As I was saying by and hanging up my mom blurted 'your grandmother is going in for open heart surgery". This is the grandmother who is/was/is the other half of my grandfather. my grandmother hasn't been doing well at all since my grandfather died. She moved in with my mom, which is good and bad. Good because my grandmother has things to do, people to talk to and isn't alone anymore. Bad because my mom is convinced that Donuts are good for you and a good way to make sure your eating vegetables is to order beef and Brocoli from Panda Express. Also bad because my mom isn't completly Psychologicaly stable. She's nto physically abusive, she doesn't drink (anymore), she acts over stressed out during little situations. Like me sometimes, but hers is bad. She can also be verbally abusive, not as much as she used to be. Goodbye Alcohol.

On the phone yesterday I talked to my grandmother for the shortest amount of time. She was having trouble breathing and wanted to get off the phone. At that moment I cried for the first time since last August. I was in the break room in front of everybody. I got up and walked into the bathroom.

The point of the post is I'm sad, torn and confused. I really wanted time to just relax and do my thang. There are books I want to read, movies I wanted to see, places I wanted to go, things I wanted to write and then there's my $200 acoustic guitar thats just been sitting under my bed since the day I moved here, March 2005. Ticket prices are extremly high now, but I was thinking of cutting my vacation short, going back to work , than heading to Massachusetts in September or October at the latest. You know maybe I can still do both if I can find a way to afford to go in October without needing a paid vacation. I guess the right thing to do would be to go back to work. I'm so lost right now

I realize my posts can be more of a diary entry than anything else. This particular post is probably at the top of them all. I really wanted to give some people a warning. I may not be myself, I may sometimes be distant. It's all because I have a lot on my mind. I didn't tell anybody about any of this at work yesterday because I just wanted to get through the day. I also wanted to try and have as much fun as possible. I don't think I have an ending. Maybe my ending will be , I love you Nana. Please pull through this.