A Message from Stuart Christ

Hello everyone it's me Stuart, you know, Jesus's older brother. I was the first Messiah but I was such a fuck up my dad created Jesus to make up for my mistakes. I was the one responisble for the 10 plagues. You see my Dad said start the 10 playgues amd the plagues were suppose to be small like a cold, a rash, athletes foot, a contagious broken toe, red eye, bad gas, diareah, contagious weight gain, urinary tract infections and falling frogs. Well, I fucked it up. You all know what happened from there. After the plagues were over my Dad was like " Jesus what the hell happened here?" and that's when he came up with the idea for Jesus.

Ok I'm here because my father is running for re-election to the office of God in 2008. As some or most of you know he will be running against Justin Adams who feels that my father has been asleep on the job for the last millenium. Being that my father is the incumbent God he has a good chance of winning, but I would like to take the chance in defending my father for some of the most horrible incidents that have happened during the 1900's that made a lot of people pray "why god why?". Those moments are really fuckign annoying.

We'll start with Titanic. This is an easy one. First you named her Titanic. As most people know Titanic named after the Titans challenged God and tried to over take his kingdom claim it as their own. When God Defeated the Titans how did he banish them? At the bottom of the ocean. What was Titanics tagline? "not even god himself could sink her", well....touche

"The Great depression"? I have a reason. Give it time because you will all be living through "The Great Excitement". It will be full of Roller Coasters and money and fresh air and money.

Pearl Harbor? Hello, not our fault. You parked your entire fleet in one spot. Why would you do that?

John F Kennedy. Well this answer is as easy as the above. He drove his car through Texas with his top down. TEXAS!!!


Yeah that Texas.

Believe it or now, a lot of people blame my dad for the Nixon years. We gave you so many reasons not to vote for him. Nixon was Eisenhower's vice president. Eisenhower was fine, but we had Eisenhower slip and he actually told voters he wouldn't vote for Nixon. We had Dwight tell people on television that he didn't endorse his vice and you still voted for him. Not our fault.

Why was John Lennon shot? It was getting boring up here and I'm a big fan. His death had nothing to do with my dad. I was grounded for 10 years. It sucked.

Hussein. We had him disarmed and a nice place all planned out for him up here when he was to arrive, but you guys had to but in and give him weapons and then take them away and yadda yadda yadda you know the rest.

9/11. Let's see. Beyond our control. Wasn't planned. We gave all the right people all the right information we were suppose to. It's just that no one did anything with it. Anyways we weren't responsible. I will say that when those towers came down we assumed a nice memorial was going to be put up. A nice memorial with a lot of trees. We know that city is one big polluted death trap. But guess what? No outdoor memorial with trees. Instead there will be an inside memorial located at the bottom of a skyskraper that will be much taller then the 110 story tower that stood there before. Well we learned our lesson didn't we? I suppose this new building will have the same kind of escape route as the last tower that stood there. I also suppose there wont be any parachutes located in this building. I always thought it was contradicting that they said on 9/11 the unthinkable happened yet the building was tested to withstand a plane flying into it. Does that make it unthinkable?

November 2nd, 2004. Yeah Ummm what happened that night was my dad had a concussion. He was making a new universe and he was moving one planet but wasn't paying attention to another planet that he had already put in motion and he got clobbered with one but that's another story. My brother Jesus was playing with is kids. Yeah in heavan he and Magdaline got married and had two kids a boy named Franky and a girl Named Jenna Jameson Christ. My brother let me name the girl. He had no idea who she was but when he found out he was pissed. Anyways election night Lucifer came over, you gotta know your enemy's if you're going to fight them, and him and I went out back and smoked a doobie. I thought it was in the bag. Oh well, I fucked up again.

The plea I'm here to make us give my dad another chance. If you don't I'll have to call Justin Adams my dad and that would suck. Vote for my pop in 2008.